Where I Am At Now (CH1PT3)

God is not done with me, yet. I have come through the wasteland and have a very secure understanding of my identity in Christ. I believe in God, I believe Jesus is God, I believe in the Trinity, and I believe that the Bible is the normative standard for Christians as Christians. And I believe that the church is God's idea to carry the Gospel to the world. Though, I make these confessions, I assure you that as you read more about the details of these beliefs you will be challenged and maybe even think twice that I am serious about what I say.

I was not sure I could even call myself a Christian, even though I believed in God, and even though I had put my trust in the new life of Jesus Christ. I believed I was inferior still to most Christians and that I simply did not compare to what they believed. I felt like I had a damaged faith, like I was a spiritual amputee. My experience as an atheist opened my mind to the rigor of intellect, and I was not too quick to accept many things that seemed quintessential to the Christian faith.

Biblical literalism, Hell, homophobia, miracles, and eschatology simply made me uncomfortable. When I decided to put my trust in Christ I knew that I couldn't completely accept these troublesome intellectual burdens. I tabled them in my mind and made the choice in good conscience to be open and willing to abandon my course if the outcomes could not fulfill the potential of new life that defined the trust I had put in Christ.

Because of my previous experience I could not allow myself to simply "go along" with what others told me I had to believe in order to be a Christian. But at the same time, as a Christian who backslid I felt guilty of not being "on-board" with what all the Christians around me believed in. It was alienating and isolating.

I was in the wasteland. But it is important to note that I was in the wasteland... by choice. The one thing that fueled my spirituality and my continued commitment to my faith was the fact that I would not let my mind be swayed by tradition, popularity, or authority when it came to the intellectually burdening aspects of Christian belief. I would rather have a anemic faith then a blind one. I'd rather have amnesia then a guilty conscience. I'd rather be alone then among traitors. I had hope. I held strong. And I persevered. Eventually, I came out of the wasteland.

My identity as a Christian is not rooted in my experience in a church, nor is it found in my conformity to

certain creedal positions. I don't feel that my faith rests on others agreeing with me, or in affirming how "uplifting" or "moving" my story is. In many ways, I am still that isolated, alienated, and lost person. In many ways the wasteland is still apart of me. It wasn't me who got bigger, better, or more skilled. It was my God through me.

Through this narrative, I will express many of my insights and discoveries that led me to new understandings and transformations in faith, but the reality is that when all is said and done, I give all credit to God. He is the one who guided me, protected me, and fought for me when I didn't want to fight for myself. How do I stand in faith? Because God helps me. How did I find my way out of the wasteland? I can't say if I did. All I know is that all I see is God. If there is a wasteland all around me then that really doesn't matter, does it?

My identity, my confidence, my assurance comes from God. I read my Bible in the confidence that it comes from God. I go to church in the identity that Jesus is my Lord. I fellowship with other Christians in the assurance that the Holy Spirit is with us. I don't need any sort of conformity or psychological confirmation that my beliefs, or spiritual practice is somehow given a stamp of approval from others in the Christian community. I have come to a place where all I depend on is God.

My heart is open to accountability, direction, rebuke, and correction from anyone. I don't consider myself better then anyone, and don't think I have it all figured out. I often seek out accountability from those who would disagree with me, so I can get a clear picture of what I am missing, or not missing. I often seek wisdom and rebuke from others, and surprisingly am met with trepidation and fear. Christian love keeping those they can manipulate accountable, but free thinking people become too "rebellious". My desire is not to be in agreement with others, but to have a clear conscience.

I am not by any means a perfect Christian, but I think my commitments to simplicity and a clear conscience have led me to where I am now, and have enabled me to say in confidence that I am a child of God, that He has a plan for me, and that in Jesus I have new life. To be sure, my commitments to simplicity and a clear conscience caused me many pains as well, but I am sure that the reward was worth it, and that the experiences I had along the way conform to a pattern I discovered inherent in the Christian faith.

In the end, the only word I could form for what I had gone through is a "deconversion" rather then the other way around. If it is, as some say, that Jesus was the perfect human and Christianity is a call to what God had intended for humanity to be, all along, then the "conversion" of the Christian faith is not a call to become something else, but a call to stop becoming other things. In money, conversion is not something special. It only demonstrates the land and government to which you are visiting. But deconverting would be extra-ordinary. It would put you in touch with the source of money... the standard. Just the same, this book is not about erasing Christianity, or calling into question the practice of conversion. What we hope to find is the source of conversion. We want the standard! When you have a vault of gold the economy seems like a periphery concern. Just the same, when Christians know the source of their faith the tides of theology are of little interest. I had to go through a wasteland to discover what I did, and I carry many scars on my psyche because of it. Hopefully this book can alleviate future sojourners from the same hardships.