A Tragic End, And A Hopeful Beginning

Friendship sucks.
This is a story of how two friends met, maybe had unrealistic expectations from each other, could not resolve

their differences, and ultimately destroyed everything around them, because of their pride. I participated and perhaps contributed to a great deal of this malevolence. I wish things could have been different. But what can you expect.... Friendship sucks.
I met a guy whom I considered to be very smart and of equal standing when it comes to my own intellectual proclivities. I thought we got along splendidly, and things were good for a time. You could say that we had different theological angles to things. My understanding was that he was more narrow, rigid, and fundamentalist orientated. He seemed to come from this neo-fundamentalism that is present in the newer generation of Evangelical apologists and theolgians like William Lane Craig, Alvin Plantinga, Michael Licona, N.T. Wright, and Gary Habermas, and so on. These are thinkers that for the most part are really pushing the Evangelical Church forward as far as scholarly work goes, but for the most part all the same systems are still in place. I was being persuaded at the time I met him into a more neo-orthodox/emergent/progressive view of Christian theology. I was being influenced by theologians like Paul Tillich, Martin Buber, Edward Schillibeeckx, John Shelby Spong, and Karen Armstrong (yes, I feel I earned liberal points in mentioning a woman theologian).
The point being that theologically I had no problem with my new friend, but I knew that he would most likely have issues with my theology. I took a bet that no matter our differences our friendship would prevail and ultimately, if my friend believed me to be truly outside the "circle", as you might call it, then he would call me on it. In fact, I depended on it, for at that time I was sincerely concerned as to whether or not the developments taking place within me was really the direction that was good for me. My gambit was that this new friend would call me out on my shit.
Looking back. This may have been unfair. After all, this is coming on kind of strong. I doubt most people enter into friendships thinking man I can't wait to risk this guys respect by attacking his most personal beliefs. I entered into this friendship thinking that we were already battle partners taking gun fire together and swearing to carry each others bodies back to be properly buried. I had false expectations. And I truly am sorry that I had to get this poor innocent man wrapped up in my drama.

But if he began as being innocent, he surely did not end that way. Our friendship ended once he began gossiping about me to my pastor. You see we both went to the same church, and I was trying to get more involved. I will grant that I understand that my beliefs are not exactly kosher when it comes to the Evangelical party line. I may be unwilling to recite their code, but I have come to resolve just about all these issues with my own theological understanding of grace, compassion, and discernment. I felt that I was in good conscience trying to participate in a Church that would most likely consider my beliefs as anathema, because I honestly thought that such revulsion on their part was what needed to be examined, and that if any conflict emerged from it then it could not be because of my doing, but because of their own dogmatism and legalism.
To make a long story short, the pastor asked my friend about me. My friend knew why the pastor was asking about me. He knew of my intention to participate in ministry at this church. And my friend spoke ill of me behind my back, and never told me about it. Though we had many occasions where we met afterward.
I do not blame this man for protecting his church. He clearly thought I was a predator, which I think says more of his theology then it does of mine. I think his actions were aimed at benefiting the Church, and are thusly to be spoken of as meritorious. If I am going to be betrayed then I wish it could always be for such good reasons.
Here's the facts. No pastor should ever EVER ask another person's friend for information that could cause division between those friends. And no friend should ever EVER speak ill of their friend without first calling that person out on it. If my friend thought I was being a predator then the last thing he should be doing is speaking to other people about it. The longer he delayed the more he increased the chances of me doing real damage. I was acting in good conscience. The last thing I would ever want to do is unintentionally harm another. If someone saw this potential catastrophe ahead of time and simply stayed quite about it then I have no other choice but to see them as a coward.
I tried to do the "right" thing. When I learned what had happened. I kinda freaked out. I called him out. I was pissed. REALLY PISSED. He tried to remain cool and collective, and this only came off, to me, as being manipulative and revictimizing. Eventually, I laid everything out on the table for him, and he rationalized away all the signs of his cowardice. When I asked him why he thought he never told me about this talk he had with his pastor about me. He admitted that he should have told me. When I asked him why he didn't. He simply had no answer. He apologized. And I find that consoling on a certain level of patheticness.
The fact of the matter was that his apology was empty to me. It was empty because he could not honestly answer why he chose to withhold information from me that would have been really important to share with me. You see this is only the tip of the iceberg. His withdrawal was systematic and repressive. By the time this closed door meeting took place with the pastor, I had already experienced many "exclusions" from this friend that were callous and petty. I had decided to rise above and be grateful for whatever kind of friendship I could have with this person, but after this event it was over.
Besides, it is not him who should be sorry. It is me. I am sorry I ever expected from him that which he could not give. But this exit led to a more promising beginning. At this church I met some good people. And they were kinda stepping out the door at the same time I was. I connected to a small cadre of rejects, heretics, and "secular" Christians. We found each other at a very interesting time. We have been meeting together for about six months now, and things are really great. I have found that the previous Church was nothing like the denominational covering that they have. The people who I met while walking out the door, so to speak, really knew what the denomination was all about, and I began to learn. I began to finally find something I could call a spiritual home. I found the Quaker Church.
I have chosen to write this story, because some time has passed since this happened. And I feel that I have settled down from my initial reaction. I have apologized to his person for the chaos I caused and how unfair I was to him. I still wait for his apology to me, but I doubt it would matter much. I do not say that because I resent him, or desire to resent him. I say it, because I have already forgiven him. At this point his apology would only be for him. I pray that he can understand why that is important, but ultimately I have simply moved on and I wish the best for him, but it is important to put out there, because I really think that this story is symptomatic of the problem that is happen in Christianity right now. We are so quick to condemn and judge, and we hate that, but I have to say that Christianities problem is not being too judgmental, or too critical, or too biased. The problem with Christianity is that it is no longer honest. I would have had no problem with my friend condemning me to hell, just as long as he had the balls to do it himself, but clearly he felt that some closed-door meeting was the best place to do that without my case being made for myself. Clearly, this pastor felt that such meetings was how a persons character could really be determined without considering what it said of his own.

I wish I could say something different about the Church and about my own religion, but I consider myself and my new group of friends as heretics ultimately to the Christianity that exists today. I am trying to live a simple and honest Christian life, and for some reason this seems completely unChristian in every Christian circle I come across. I am not dumb enough to think that I have it all right and they have it all wrong. I am fine with Biblical literalists, fundamentalists, and Evangelical extremists. I just wish that they were fine with me.